It was, one of those days. You know, the ones where you feel the only good that came from you getting out of bed, was that the sheets had a rest from your company. One of those days, where, it seems, like everyone else, in the whole world are enjoying epic achievements. While, there you sit, questioning yourself, your every move and wondering why, why on earth you even take the time to try.
I'm talking, one of those days, where you can't even toast a bagel without getting it wrong. When you go to add milk to your coffee and remember you ran out, yesterday. Those days when doubt, doesn't even knock, it just arrives, throws open the door, totally uninvited, and gets comfortable, sometimes, curls up to take a long nap on your sofa.
Doubt, sometimes even brings along friends, you know, fear, resentment, indecision, and uncertainty.
Oh boy. It was, one of those days. A sequence of events, now, from this perspective, which were totally trivial, sent out a text message to doubt... "party at Christines' place, bring your friends."
So, here I sat. Missing Ben, hating my work, my obligations, on my last "free to be me" weekend of the summer (that hasn't yet arrived). I let doubt come in and get comfortable. Silly me. I tried to read inspirational quotes online, but that lead me to other websites, that made me feel insignificant, and left me feeling even more inadequate. So, I walked away from the internetz and played angry birds, which, just made Me angry, when I couldn't knock the monkey out of it's tree. I couldn't find anything worth watching on TV, and was too restless to find a movie.
So, I decided, retail therapy, it may have been drastic, but, it is, what it is. The garden center was my first stop. I went up and down the isles smelling the herbs, admiring the flowers & scents, from the flowers that I love the most.
From there, I started to pick up steam, went to a hardware store and picked up some valve clamps, yes, valve clamps, for a DIY project. (I'll share pics when I complete it!) Onto another store to get a card and to get lost in fabric, ribbon, baskets, beads, and every other item that inspires a spark in me. The best part of my retail therapy, is that often, I don't even feel obligated to buy anything. When I left the last store, I felt better. I played my favorite song, over and over, and took the long way home.
When I got home, doubt was gone, & so were all of his buddies.
In the time I took for myself, I had the opportunity to check in with myself. To make sure, that, where I was going, is still going to lead me to the direction of where I want to be. I realized that the people whom I started out with, won't necessarily be the ones at the finish line, and won't necessarily always been cheering for me, in fact, some of those people, may actually have fishing line strung across the path, hoping that I'll trip. And, I am ok with that, I have to be, after all, in the end, all I can be is me, and that, in itself, is quite empowering. I had the opportunity to attend an online learning session with my idols,
Justin and Mary Marantz, and learned a lot, one of the most powerful messages that I took from that was this. "Find those who love you, and let the rest go." How empowering is that? To allow yourself to recognize that we are not meant to please everyone at all times, and that it is OK. And that we don't have to make people love us. No matter how hard we try, not everyone is destined to love us, and that is also, OK.
I saw to fruition on Sunday, something that I have been planning since February. Leave it to me, to think of Apple Blossoms during the coldest, snowiest, winter in years. I may be more optimistic than I realize.
I filled in my name, beside the cancelled time slot I had, which, was one of the events that, incidentally, was responsible for doubt coming over to visit in the first place. I took that time slot of me, for my development, for my mind, for my pleasure. I shot all over the Orchard, and shot for the pure joy of shooting. I saw things the way I wanted to see them, and manipulated the light to make it happen.
Wish the internetz could convey smells, because you would be in Heaven. The apple blossoms are almost all gone by now, but take the time to visit if you can,
Verger Belliveau Orchard. Or, wait til next year, and join me, when I do it all over again!
So, here are some shots, that I took for me, from me, to me. Pretty darn good gift, if you ask me!
On the Way to the Orchard, grass was so green, and the sky was so blue, and the clouds, so fluffy and white...
This one, I promise, is not even a mistake. I had pulled out my old lens, really old lens, and popped on my magnifying rings. I looked up at a bloom and when I went to far past the focus, I realized just how beautiful the light was!
My favorites.
Straight out of a fairy tale.
If you ever have the urge to feel small... go and stand in the presence of these trees.
The hardest of all workers. I knew better than to stand in their flight path. With approximately a week to pollinate these 60 acres of blooms, there is no time to rest.
I don't know if there is a message in this post that you can learn from. Maybe, just knowing that there is someone else out there, that has had a bad day is enough. I think, that as time consuming as it is to have a bad day.... sometimes they are a necessary evil, to make us stop and think, and put things back into perspective. That of bad things, sometimes, beautiful things happen. If I hadn't had that cancellation, I wouldn't have had the time to take these pictures to gift to myself...
